You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting as regularly as I did when I first started the blog. Behind the scenes, I’ve been going through another depressive episode (sounds so clinical.) I think it has to do with the trouble I’ve been having conceiving. It’s so out of my control, and my depression just went haywire.
See, I’ve always known I had female part-troubles. Well, at least since high school. Back then, they didn’t know what was causing it, but they’ve done a lot of research in the last 10 years and have a slightly better idea of what’s wrong. Basically- my chemistry is off. My pituitary gland doesn’t send the necessary messages to my ovaries, and my thyroid is sluggish. So result- Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrom. Lots of women have it, close to 20%. It’s not life threatening, but it can make conceiving difficult. I’m on a cocktail of drugs to regulate all the chemistry in my body so that hopefully we can become parents.
But in the meantime, I’m feeling really defective. And I’m wondering if it’s all worth it. I mean, I understand that children/babies are worth it- I get that. (Note that I understand, but that doesn’t mean I know. I think there is a difference in understanding a concept and internalizing a concept so deep that it becomes part of your psyche.) All this work, doctor’s appointments, pill-popping, and self loathing is really wearing on me. And sometimes it feels like I’m doing all this work to beat my body into submission. You will do what I want you to do, you will develop a follicle when I say, you will release the follicle when I say, and you will conceive a fetus when I say. So there.
Some part of my psyche is revolting against this. Not because I think there’s something wrong with controlling my body, but because I think there’s a bigger picture here. All my life I’ve noticed patterns and pulled pieces together, and this is no different. My parts don’t work like everyone else’s, and maybe there’s a bigger reason for that. Maybe for the health of the human species, women with defective chemistry sets shouldn’t be passing their defective genes onto the next generation. Maybe my part in the bigger picture is to help take care of and raise children whose parents are unable to do so. Maybe my parts don’t work because they’re not supposed to work, because my role is to nurture the larger community’s children.
I know, it sounds crazy; especially coming from a gal who doesn’t believe in an omnipotent god. I know there is no such thing as tangible justice, no such thing as an atom of fairness; but above all else, this physical world demands balance. And that means for every powerful storm, there is a beautiful day awaiting, and for every construction, destruction. It’s not the Balance of Justice that I speak, the two sides to compare. Instead, it’s a multi-faceted, immensely intricate and yet simple system. Balance.
Here we have a system: the human species. We have male and female, and everything in between. We have young and old, we have smart and simple, and the rainbow between. My interpretation of this (because the human brain will always try to understand its context, no matter how hard we try to deny it) is that in order for the human species to persist, we need all of these. We need those who are frail and those who are strong, those who are wicked those who are kind, those to conceive and those to nurture. And like everything in this complex human system, it’s not either or, but and and yet. I by beating my body into submission, I’m fighting the natural balance, I’m trying to make a yet into an and.
And yet. I will continue. I’m not ready to give up on me, yet. I’ll keep going through the fertility treatments, and I’ll keep going through the emotional roller-coaster. Some weeks I’ll be depressed, angry and withdrawn. Other times I’ll be productive, content and engaged. Who knows, I’ll probably be all of these at once. My charge is to accept these very human frailties and know them to be my strength.
I hope by sharing, I’ve opened the doorway to a conversation about our human emotions. I hope by sharing, you will come to see me as very weak and very strong. I hope by sharing, you are able to see a little of yourself reflected back.
Thanks for reading.