Turkey day

28 Jan

After writing for three days on 750words.com, you get a badge that looks like a Turkey.  So today, I’m a Turkey.  (Funny I feel like a Chicken).

Rough day- I just woke up pissed off and I have no idea why.  I’m frustrated at everything today- especially myself. I hate myself when I sleep in, I hate when I don’t have anything planned for the day that makes me feel productive- Ugh, I’m just pissed off.

I’m pissed off because I’ve been going to therapy for 2 years now and still don’t feel like I’ve made any progress. Though Dr. J today made a case for progress- my relationship with T is better, my relationship with my mom is better, I know what kinds of friends I do and don’t want to hang out with, and I have a better skill of knowing when I’m angry and communicating that anger. But what next? I feel like I’ve hit a wall and I don’t know if the old tools (therapy) are good enough to get me over/ around this wall.  What is this wall?

My self-loathing? My inability to identify something I want to do with y life? My inability to stick with a goal? Is it that I’ve been waiting for someone else to come rescue me from myself and there is no one else?  No buddies. No best friend to like me more than I like myself. Maybe that’s why I always go back to that time in high school when Holly abandoned me.  I always thought that’s when my life took a turn for the worse. Is it because I thought that without a best friend, I wasn’t worthy of being liked, of being loved? I kept thinking there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have a best friend any more. And I couldn’t seem to make any friends who were like what I thought a best friend was like.

Is it possible that I never learned to love myself?  I’m afraid that I can’t be my own best friend- because I don’t think I’m strong enough to love me even with all my faults.  I’m really good at beating myself up, and god knows I would never talk to a best friend the way I talk to myself.  And I wouldn’t put up with anyone talking to me that way- one of the reasons I avoid **- he’s so negative; like nothing I do is good enough.  I already think those negative things about myself, I don’t need to be around other people who think that, too.

So I know I don’t like the way I treat myself. And I’ve learned that beating myself up does not make me a better person- being a martyr, even to myself, does not make me stronger or worthier. So why is self-hate such a comfortable place for me to be?

I never thought of myself as someone who is afraid of change. Hell, I always liked the idea of change because it’s a kickstart out of my old self-loathing. Change apartments- decorate the new place, change my job, change my boyfriend. Change my friends, change my degree. All these changes kept me moving, kept me busy so I didn’t have to think about me, so I didn’t have to hear the negative talk that I do to myself.

But how big are these changes? How scary were they really? I never thought I would fail, honestly.  I always made changes into situations that I thought I could control and be successful at.  For example, I never went to Europe for school, or joined the Peace Corps, or Jobs Corps. I never went to build houses in Africa. I never even dreamed about going to places where I wasn’t sure I’d be safe.  But lately, I’m even afraid to go to a new yoga class because I’m afraid I’ll fail- that I won’t be able to make it through. And that I won’t be able to meet new people. I don’t even try, especially when it comes to talking to people.

I don’t talk to strangers on the elevator, I don’t try to make conversation with the toll booth guy.  I just stick in my little head, never reaching out because I’m so afraid of rejection. I’m afraid that by not liking me, they will prove that all my negative talk about myself is true. That I’m not worthy of liking, much less loving. So I don’t even give them the chance to not like me, because I don’t even try these new things.  It’s one of the reasons I think SC is so brave- she’s out there in book clubs and sports clubs trying to meet new people- and being successful. But I can’t expect someone else to take my hand and make friends for me, I’m going to have to do it myself.  I’m going to have to be brave.

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